Annie Kirkwood, Author
Rte 1 Box 100
Bunch, OK 74931-9705
February/March 2003 — Issue #68
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This is Annie's section
I apologize for the last newsletter being so late. In the past, all I had to do was write my part and wait for Mother Mary to give hers. Then I would call Byron and say, I've got it. After the editing, Byron took the words and put them into the format that gave the newsletter its look. There is no Byron for me to lazily say it's done and quickly have a finished product to stuff into envelopes. I struggle with the logistics of how to get the words into the newsletter format.
Most of you are wondering, what's the problem? The problem is that, as an old computer programmer who used old programs that are written in DOS, Byron seems to be the only who knows what he did. I don't know anything about computers, never thought a thing about my ignorance when this wonderful man spoiled me by fixing everything. So please be patient as I learn how to do this. It feels like God said, "Annie, you've had it easy, now it's time to work." And this has been work! Byron received little recognition for all his work, but now you know the truth, he did the real work. I miss him so much, not only because of his help, but the laughter and love we shared. Not a day went by without him telling me how much he loved me, not once, but 4 or 5 times a day.
It's not too late to wish each of you a very Happy New Year. After the last newsletter was at the printer, I realized just how intent I'd been on ignoring Christmas. I forgot to wish you a merry one. It was the most difficult Christmas of my life. When your other half is gone, it's very painful to have a Merry Christmas, American style. But if you remember what this season is really all about, then Christmas can be had any time, if you are connected to Christ through our Heavenly Father.
Jean Foster emailed and during our chat I was reminded of my commitment to being honest and letting you know how I'm working on my spiritual issues. I think this is one of the big ones. In our head and in our knowingness we understand that we continue to live after death, but our human part is devastated when we lose a loved one, especially one who is in your life 24/7. My whole world has been turned upside down. What had been, is gone. You lose not only your mate, but your life as you knew it.
At first I was in shock, then I was so angry with God and Byron. I wanted God to take me straight to Byron when I die, so I could slap the crap out of him. One sweet lady called to encourage me a few weeks after his death, and said it was nice that I had Byron's "little business" to keep me busy. Byron's little business consists of four websites and over three thousand products. I'm learning how to conduct business and learning about the products too. This is why I was so angry with Byron-he went off and left me with a huge task and only he knew how he did it and where things were in his computer.
It has been a little over three months now, and I've gone past the anger and moved into acceptance. This is my life. The truth is that I'm a widow. I have a choice. I can be a sad, morose widow or I can be happy. I remember the approach of my fiftieth birthday, when I made a promise that the rest of my life I would do everything I could to be happy. So through the tears, I began to pray for God to help me keep that promise to myself. And in reading Messages to Our Family, the words I needed each day were being spoken to me. Not that I don't hear as before, just not as clearly-due to the grief, maybe?
I feel Mother Mary with me and know I have so much help from that area. My wonderful family has given of themselves-three have given large amounts of their time and energy. Also great employees have taken on a bigger load and have been patient with me as I learn. Well, we did have a couple of adjustment glitches, but things have smoothed out and we are working well together. Doing Byron's work takes up most of my waking hours. It's not as overwhelming, still I continue to do the impossible.
On one of my angry days when I was so overwhelmed with the business which I didn't understand, we literally had to find which programs did what and that was difficult because I don't read DOS. We still haven't found the program that does the newsletter. One day, looking for how he printed out forms for the Industrial invoicing, we found the catalog. It's at times like a treasure hunt. But that one angry day, I came down to the house sobbing with frustration. I decided that the "B" in B & A no longer stood for Byron, but would stand for Big Boss, and that was God, who from that minute became my partner in business. Now that I'm past the anger I've reinstated Byron as my silent partner, with God as the CEO. After all, God is the one who is helping me do the impossible.
It's difficult when we are in a marriage that works as a partnership to stay independent. I started this marriage as a very dependent person. I had been getting more independent, but now I know that I was still very dependent on Byron. He made it all so easy to rely on his expertise. The least I could have done is learn more about our finances, and the running of the business. Hindsight is definitely 20/20. Byron loved what he did and I would not have taken that away from him, but there had to have been a way for me to be more aware of all he did.
My son reminds me this is all in the past and we cannot change the past. So it's with love that I urge you to tell your loved ones how you feel. Tell them you love them, not once in a while, but a couple of times a day. Treat them as if you love them dearly. That is the one thing I do not regret. We told each other several times a day that we loved each other. Byron was always doing little things to show his love. I scrambled to think of ways to treat him with love, because he would beat me to it. He repeatedly said that what he loved the most about me was that I totally accepted him with all his faults and that I didn't try to change him or make him over. Remember that acceptance of your loved ones, just as they are, is the first step to loving them without limit or condition. And also remember, this is how God loves each of us. God is a loving and benevolent Being. His love is forever. Isn't that great?
Thank you for all the cards; your words have helped me so much. Your concern and thoughtfulness is much appreciated. Many have encouraged me to continue the newsletter without Byron's help. I've heard you and will do my best to continue.
This is Mother Mary's section
My dear children,
It is with great love that I come. You have a new beginning, with the start of the new year. In reality you have a new beginning each morning as you arise. It is at that time that you can make the most changes in your system and your person through the wonderful gift of choice. You choose how to live that day, whether it will be a good day or one spent in despair or anger. You can choose to be compliant with your spirit self or you can choose to be rebellious.
Even when you are in rebellion and obstinate to your spiritual goals, you are loved so much by God. I urge you to increase your prayers and be faithful to your prayer time and your time for reflection. All people benefit from inner reflection. Think about, decide, and pray for your new goals and then surrender them to God. God can be trusted to hold your goals in His being until such time as they are handed over to you. I ask you to remember, to trust God with all you are and with all you pray about.
When you offer prayers to God, remember that you are trusting Him to bring good results. Trust is your ability to have faith in God and His workings. Your faith need not be great, it can be a small measure of faith. Jesus said, all you need is faith the size of a mustard seed, which in actuality is very tiny. God looks for your willingness to trust. Are you willing to hand God your prayers and in His good time answer them? Are you willing to give Him your innermost thoughts for safekeeping? Can you release your prayers into His love, being certain that what you seek will come to you?
My little children, it is your very belief that opens the way for your answers to demonstrate in your life. Confidence, certainty, assurance are the end results of your faith. When you are certain that God loves you, then you have no doubt that He will answer your request. There is no measuring device used to ensure that you have the right amount of faith. One tiny hope is enough to activate faith. Be willing to believe that your prayers will be answered in a way that is good for everyone concerned. God sees into your heart and your mind, and one iota of faith will open doors, heal bodies and relationships, infuse you with courage and bless you with serenity.
There is a lovely serenity that comes with faith. It is the serenity of knowing that our Creator is loving and cares for His creation at all times. God created all things and instills processes into your make-up. The process of choosing is one. When you make a choice, there is a sense of relief when it is accomplished. The mulling over, gathering of information, the wavering between choices is stressful and, when it is completed, you have a great sense of relief. For many people, making a decision is painful; it is something that causes them to fear. Yet if you do not make a choice, the choices others make will affect your life, at times making you feel like you are being battered by life and the circumstances and situations in your life. Making a choice is a gift and a responsibility. Have faith in your inner abilities and decide how you want to live.
Once you have made a decision, release it into God's care, trusting that what you seek will find you, that the request will come to you in the best possible way. So many of my children make a decision and, after it is completed, begin the whole process once again. They rethink the decision, mull it over, and seek more information, often asking different people's opinion. This only confuses you and upsets your peace. Once you have prayed about your decision, thought about it, mulled it over, gathered all the information you can, then having made your decision, it is time to surrender, to let it go, turn it over to God. Once you have surrendered your choice, goal, or decision, then be patient, allowing the request, goal, or decision to germinate. So many times your prayers need to grow into your life.
God answers immediately. When you ask, it is done, at that precise moment, not later, but instantly. At times it appears in your life instantly, but most often your prayer requires time before it appears in your life. In this phase hold strong to faith, trusting that God is answering your prayer. Your faith, then, paves the way for your answer to come to you. Often it is necessary to change circumstances in order to receive what you request. At other times affairs, dilemmas and inner situations must be eliminated or altered in order for your prayer to be seen in the open. During this period of adjustment it is essential for you to remain steadfast and true to your belief that God is good, and that He loves you so much He brings only good into your life.
You can depend on God; nothing is impossible to Him. Remember, my children, He created the Universe and set the galaxies in motion. He created millions upon millions of stars and placed them in their orbits. God created not only your bodies, but your spirit. He is the reason you exist and that you live. Nothing occurs that He is not cognizant of.
Take time to look at your world. How many of you could create a living bird, or a blade of grass? None can do these things except God. Understand that He loves you so much He gave you the right, the ability and the knowledge to make your own choices. So make your choices and decisions, pray for and over them, and once it is clear to you that you have made the best choice possible at the time . . . remain faithful to yourself and to God. Be ever vigilant for doubts and anxieties that enter like little mice, nibbling away at your faith. Trust in God's love to bring only good.
This is the time to remain strong in your belief that He is a loving God. Your certainty in God's love will help you remain steadfast and peaceful while you await the outcome of your prayers. At this point change your prayers to gratitude even before the answer appears in your life. Being grateful before the outcome is certain will help you stay in the right state of mind. It will open doors that help you in ways you cannot imagine. God loves you, my children, His love is nourishing to your soul and He continues to answer all prayers. Be of good cheer, for you are much loved. There is much to rejoice in. Remain assured that nothing can keep you from God's love. I love each of you greatly.
Mary, Mother of Jesus
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Original date: Mar 19, 2003
Last updated: Mar 19, 2003